Issue number 1

Installed: 23-4-2000

Late News Reports

Enlightening stories culled from the worlds press. All of the following have genuinely been published at some time.

	A man who stole a ballcock from an Abergavenny public toilet did so "because the Almighty had told [him] it was to be done", the town's magistrates heard. But when asked what he was going to do with it, he said he did not know because God had not told him.
	A man caught trying to take away a car had a suspicious bulge under his shirt, Inspector Walters told Kidderminster magistrates.
	City police are worried that 68 rifles and shotguns stolen from a city warehouse may end up in the hands of criminals.
	The wife of the council's chairman of Northants County Council, worth £3000 was stolen from their home last week and has not been recovered.
	A leek has closed the Llangollen canal in North Wales only eight months after major repairs.
	A Seattle man who hijacked a plane demanded one million dollars in cash and a parachute. After six hours bargaining he changed his demand to three cheeseburgers.
	The shoot-out took place at Holford Place after the dead man had contacted the police and arranged to give himself up.
	Police are looking for a missing estate of 110 houses, complete with roads, lamp standards and trees.
	An MP has called on the Government to provide more protection for mothers-in-law against scorpions.
	The do-it-yourself plumber from Lytham, wrapped only in a towel, was attacked by his pet kitten as he bent down and was knocked unconscious by hitting his head on the sink, and then recieved a broken arm as he was accidentally tipped off a stretcher by an ambulanceman who could not stop laughing.
	There is no housing shortage. It is a wicked lie put out to discredit the Government by people who have nowhere to live, a Government spokesperson claimed.
	A Paris police superintendant was yesterday trying to decide whether a portion of cream cheese constituted a dangerous police car.