Issue number 4
Published: 01-8-2000
- As an assistant in a well-known chain of entertainment rental outlets (video shops), I have in the recent past been asked a question by one of our customers. Being unable to answer myself, I write in hope that you will be able to help.
What time is it in Adelaide?- How frequently does a question need to be asked before it qualifies as frequently asked?
- Why, when I get to interesting stuff on the web, does my child wake up? Is it some variation on the phone always ringing when you're in the bath?
Issue 3 question:- Is it true that buses are ALWAYS late when you're bald?
Issue 2 questions:- If, as the chemists say, "All roads lead to Rome" then shouldn't it make sense that over time Rome will increase and increase in population with people all ending up there, even when they didn't want to be there?
- When will the words "female arse fondlers" (IN THAT ORDER!) appear in your e-publication?
- How about it then? You, me, bare knuckles, out the back?
- When is it okay to use the subjunctive mood in my writing? If I were to use it, would it sound dated and archaic?
- Why do so many "children's menus" in cafes and restaurants feature baked beans so much? Are children in dire need of being fed baked beans?
- But why were they purple?
Issue 1 questions:- Why Bottom Pineapple?
- Who is Odd Gonk Shine?
- What are the origins of The Surrealist Worker?
- How often will The Surrealist Worker be published?
- Why does this page look pooh on my browser?
- What time is it in Adelaide?
8 o'clock. [Thanks Spike]
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- How frequently does a question need to be asked before it qualifies as frequently asked?
This is a variable matter. If at some point in the future I start getting any significant quantities of mail back, then questions may have to be asked several times. At present however, the situation is such that once is enough.
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- Why, when I get to interesting stuff on the web, does my child wake up? Is it some variation on the phone always ringing when you're in the bath?
There are two possible causes behind this matter, both stemming from the same root cause. First you must answer a question yourself - do you have to pay for your access on any form of pro rata basis (paying hourly subscription fees or just the cost of a local call would be sufficient) or do you have access where you pay a flat rate? In either case, it is quite likely that your child is employed by either your ISP or the telephone company. Signs to look out for are Transit vans parked outside your home, high telephone bills or does your child always seem to have plenty of rusks/sweets/amorphous fluffy objects (depending on age or preferences)?
If you pay depending on the length of time that you are connected, then you can foil this fiendish plot by disconnecting before tending to your child. If you pay a flat rate, then stay connected. Thus, in the first case, you do not run up the huge bills your child is aiming for, and in the second, you do not free up the expensive band-width.
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- Is it true that buses are ALWAYS late when you're bald?
You are falling for specious reasoning here. Whilst it may be perfectly true that you are bald, and buses are always late, you cannot, from these statements alone, assign a connecting principle. The same could be said of being a duck; when you are a duck buses are always late. From this premiss, you would be able to argue that you are a bald duck, as buses are always late.
The main breakdown in this argument however is a basic misunderstanding of the nature of curvature of the spatio-temporal bus-consciousnes matrix. The understanding of this requires a simple, yet difficult to grasp concept: buses are not always late.
You will find that spatio-temporal nature of buses is directly correlated with your own relative spatio-temporal position. When you are in good time for a bus, the matrix must equilibrate this anomaly, and thus the bus will be late. When you are late, the matrix ensures that the bus is running early and has already gone. Note that it is highly dangerous to arrive at a bus stop exactly on time as this can cause the collapse of the universe.
The nature of relativity theory explains why, due to both the motion of the bus and yourself, you can arrive late at a bus stop and have missed an early running bus, whilst there can be someone at the bus stop waiting for a bus already ten minutes late.
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- If, as the chemists say, "All roads lead to Rome" then shouldn't it make sense that over time Rome will increase and increase in population with people all ending up there, even when they didn't want to be there?
Whilst it is said that all roads lead to Rome, you have to remember that vehicles have a reverse gear.
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- When will the words "female arse fondlers" (IN THAT ORDER!) appear in your e-publication?
Never. I've explained this before. Under no circumstances whatsoever will the words "female arse fondlers (in that order) appear in this publication. For our earlier statement, see the issue 1 postbag page.
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- How about it then? You, me, bare knuckles, out the back?
Who is this "Bare Knuckles" person? Is this one of your female arse fondlers? If so, OK.
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- When is it okay to use the subjunctive mood in my writing? If I were to use it, would it sound dated and archaic?
As appropriate and no.
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- Why do so many "children's menus" in cafes and restaurants feature baked beans so much? Are children in dire need of being fed baked beans?
This is not so much a case of the children needing greater quantities of beans in their diet, but more an indication of the worrying state of the world tomato flavoured sauce market.
For many years now, tomato sauce herders have been encouraged to increase productivity by programmes of selective breeding. Each of the continents has been subsidising this evil trade in different ways. In Europe, there is the funding of the "children's menu" system. Asia has a system of tokens which the efficient sauce herder can stockpile. These are then fermented into soya sauce. The Americans system is so tempting that sauceherds have taken to intense scientific development to create genetically modified sauces. With these, they supply the enforced "pizza" and "relish" industries. Each American is forced to eat several acres of pizza per year, and the burger chains must include the highly unnatural "relish" with their products, even though no-one actually wants the stuff.
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- But why were they purple?
It is always the case that no matter what you are, or what an item is, if it exists, then it must be so.
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- Why Bottom Pineapple?
Back in 1996, I was working at Caldershaw Dyeing Co. Ltd. in Rochdale (Lancashire, NW England) [hi folks] and one of my colleagues there used the expression "top banana". My instant response was "bottom pineapple" and it just stuck. After all, it's no more illogical!
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- Who is Odd Gonk Shine?
Yes, dear readers, 'tis I, your beloved editor. This picture shows my inner glow, from which I get my name. For those of you who doubt that this is true, then work on this: Odd Gonk Shine is an anagram. Previously I'd always worked on my full name, but recently I realised that if I just used the name everyone calls me by, it produced a much better result. Oh, and yes, I worked out the anagram. I don't cheat with computer programs.
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- What are the origins of The Surrealist Worker?
As I grew up (I did, honest) I started developing a parallel magazine - "Nibbles". It was still schoolboy humour, but less pictures! Over the next few years, it developed into "The Surrealist Worker", and the first paper issue is now nearly ready for print. With the advent of the web, it seemed like the natural course to delay the paper version even longer, and produce an electronic version.
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- How often will The Surrealist Worker be published?
If the paper version is anything to go by, expect the next issue to be released around 2015. Seriously though, I intend to update this page with at least some semblance of regularity. I'm hoping to have something new, if not a completely new issue, every month. Failing that at least bi-monthly.
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- Why does this site look pooh on my browser?
Bottom Pineapple Productions cannot guarantee that all sections of this site will work on any browser, however I do all I can (within reason) to make it platform independant.
This is a manually written site. I believe in understanding HTML, thus having greater control over the content.
This site should be viewable on any browser supporting tables, but it is written on a PC using one of the two big name browsers. I check it on the other main name, but I can't install every browser, nor check it on an Apple. Should you have any problems with this site, please send details of the problem, and your browser, to
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Enjoy yourselves, and don't forget to send in your questions,
Odd Gonk Shine. 20-4-2000
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