Issue number 2

Installed: 01-6-2000

Of Pineapples and Earmuffs

Have you ever wondered why, when asked a question, your pineapples continue their silent vigil? It is a commonly held belief that pineapples are deaf. This is in fact not the case. True enough, if you speak directly to a pineapple, it will appear to be ignoring you as if it were deaf, but it is actually because it cannot hear you from so close a distance.

Pineapples are perfectly able to hear, but their hearing is finely attuned to a great distance. This has been effectively proven through an experiment carried out by myself (with the assistance of an associate).

We set a pineapple on a kitchen surface in Peterhead (N.E. Scotland) and drove to the Ardclach Bell Tower, approximately 75 miles away (as the crow flies - or slides along its string). On arrival at the bell tower, we rang the bell. We then returned to Peterhead, only to find that the pineapple had fallen over, obviously stunned by the ringing of the bell! This quite clearly demonstrates that the hearing of a pineapple is attuned to some distance.

This, of course, explains why your pineapple appears to ignore you. If a pineapple was able to hear every sound within a 75 mile radius, then the cacophony would be both deafening and maddening. Thus it is that the pineapple has evolved the ability to tune out other sounds, and this explains why you cannot converse with your pineapple.

Next time you speak to your pineapple, remember, it isn’t that it is ignoring you, you’re just too close, and should the pineapple wish for peace and quiet, it must therefore place its earmuffs at a distance of 75 miles.